There are some animals that just weren’t meant to exist. One of these animals, sent directly from Hell as a punishment for sinners, is the squirrel. The Rutabaga decided to publish the ten most hated squirrels through the first nine months of 2020.
Right off the bat, we have Janice, or as she’s better known today, “Inmate 30004521.” Indicted on three counts of tax evasion and four counts of mail fraud, Janice is a real bad one. She’s currently serving ten years in a federal maximum security correctional facility. Her neighbors said she’d go through their trash and take out all of the banana peels. Who knows what she does with them?
Next we have my personal favorite: Michael. There’s not a whole lot wrong with Michael, but he’s just one of those squirrels that just takes up space. Somewhat of a mystery character, Michael doesn’t really talk all that much. Personally, I haven’t taken the time to talk to him. For all I know, he could be completely nice.
This squirrel is only hated because of his flagrant homophobia, but it’s not really a dealbreaker. Clarence, probably gay himself come to think of it, worked at a small marketing firm until he made it into the news for opening the largest conversion therapy organization by employment east of the Mississippi River. If you get to talk to him, though, he’s just another squirrel trying to make some moolah any way he can. “At the end of the day, I curl up and eat my dairy-free pistachio-peppermint frozen yogurt and watch The Giant Spider Invasion like the rest of you,” he said.
The forth on our list doesn’t have a name, but she sure has a reputation. Despite Janice and her crimes, this squirrel is, in my opinion, the worst of all of these. She actually likes country music and the Philadelphia Eagles. I know. Despicable.
Finally, we’re half way there. Hey, that reminds me of a song! What a segue, as our next most hated squirrel is Crunchy. Crunchy wears socks to sleep and eats cereal with a knife. He disgusts me.
The next squirrel, Gertrude, has been hitting “reply all” on every email group she’s in. She’s the PTA president at her son’s middle school, where she successfully wrote a rule banning cell phone use by students at any point during the day. She’s probably going through a divorce. What a mess.
You might be thinking, “it can’t get any worse,” but oh man it gets worse. Clyde has a playlist called “Fire Bangers,” containing only songs by Imagine Dragons. He posts a new Imagine Dragons song on his Instagram story every day. Clyde must know that no one actually takes the time to listen to them, right?
Humphrey is by far the most universally hated squirrel. Ever since people found out that there were really living things named “Humphrey,” it was over for him. He didn’t do anything wrong, per se, but his name is an atrocity. Republicans and Democrats agree on one thing: no one deserves the name “Humphrey.”
This one might be a bit controversial. Fabian is one of those craft beer-drinking, beanie-wearing, highfalutin foodies that wants to move to Asheville, NC and start a new life as a yoga teacher. He’ll stop at nothing to bring up his wanderlust, that one film festival he went to in ’09, and love of artisan bread. Most of us just want to slap him and remind him of how little we care. Fabian, in the famous words of Mahatma Gandhi, “shut up. No one cares, you idiot. Now, back to whatever it is I do.” Even Gandhi hates Fabian; that’s how you know it’s bad.
Finally, we have Maurice. Maurice is just ugly. Every day, he reports getting hate mail, but it’s his fault so he shouldn’t be complaining. C’mon Maurice! If you want to participate in the hate mail, please use Maurice’s personal email: firstname.lastname@example.org. Show no sympathy.
Contact us with any more squirrels you hate. We’ll put them in our next edition!