This week, our London reporters have come across a troubling report. U.K. Prime Minister Boris Johnson, the 2020 world’s sexiest man, has quit his job in Parliament in favor of starting a porridge distribution company.
His business, Prime and Plump Porridge, purchases porridge from the grocery store and upsells it for $25/ounce to homeless London residents.
“I’m proud of what we’re doing at Prime and Plump,” Johnson told The Rutabaga in an exclusive interview. “Porridge is truly such a wonderful food—I wish everyone in the world could eat it for every meal!”
Johnson’s company, after only existing for a few days, has attracted a “mob” of support from the London homeless community.
“Homeless people make me feel at home,” Johnson said. “It’s so refreshing to see people that look like me hanging out on the streets.”
One homeless man, Nigel “Fish and Chips” Cumberbatch, had some shocking thoughts on the porridge.
“This porridge tastes bloody awful,” Cumberbatch said. “Boris said the secret ingredient is his armpit sweat, but we both know it’s really his fourteen-inch nose hairs.”
Johnson’s business partner, Rupert Quembelsquash, refused to comment on this ingredient. However, he did provide us with an excellent tour of the headquarters.
“We like to add a little bit of radioactive waste to our porridge to, you know, give it that extra spice,” he told us. “We also make sure to include lots of cocaine so the bums keep coming back.”
It’s safe to say that this porridge is not safe for consuming, but after trying it, the entire staff of The Rutabaga came back for seconds, and later thirds. Each of our teeth and nails have dissolved completely and our skin now glows orange. It has this taste that simply can’t be replicated. Go to borisporridge.com to order your porridge today.