January 20, 2021 will go down as one of the most important days in American history. An event so historic, so significant, that our kids will be reading about it in their virtual textbooks someday. Obviously, the event I am referring to is when Bernie Sanders wore cute mittens.
Everyone’s talking about it; people are debating online whether or not these are the “cutest mittens ever” or if Bernie has achieved “peak Jewish grandpa.”
The mittens’ national popularity have attracted the interest of multiple wealthy business peoples. In a nationally televised auction this past Thursday, which became known as Mitt-a-thon, Amazon CEO and certified Alaskan bullworm Jeff Bezos has purchased them for $45 billion. Bernie, well-known for being a raging capitalist, is now the seventh richest man on planet earth.
In an interview with Bernie and Bezos, they both expressed their excitement for this transaction.
“I am very excited about this partnership” said Sanders “Jeff is a great friend of mine.”
Bezos declined a comment, but his legal team has mentioned that he is currently trying to “drain the life force” from the mittens.