This morning, in a leaked email directed at the Screen Actor’s Guild, Scotland prime minister Nicola Sturgeon revealed her frustration with “another Hollywood cliche gone too far,” that is, bagpipes. She described bagpipes as “a played out motif that has lost its meaning.”
Though bagpipes have been Scotland’s number one export for twelve years in a row (beating out whisky and Loch Ness Monster merchandise), Sturgeon still feels adamant that film stars and directors “take steps” to heal the divisions between Scotland and Hollywood.
“How dare she speak such ill on such a crucial motif?” begged a disappointed Stephen Spielberg at the “Bagpipes are people, too” panel. “They provide unspeakable value; from funerals to other stuff, bagpipes are just so versatile.”
When asked to clarify what he meant by “other stuff,” Spielberg declined to respond.
“Not only is this instrument extremely offensive to the Scottish people, but it also provides zero cinematic substance,” avid home-movie director Herbert Longbottom wrote in his blog “Bagpipin’ Hot, More Like Bagpipin’ Not.” “There’s literally one bagpipe song ever.”
It’s safe to say that Sturgeon’s comments have gotten the world at each other’s throats. Who knew bagpipes were such a divisive issue?