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Flash News

Felicity Huffman adopted me before the SAT and I still failed

I disguised as AI so men would finally respect me

5 reasons why you shouldn’t claim to live in DC if you don’t live in DC

Aww, not you too! “Chester Cheetah” of Frito-Lay makes antisemitic comments

Six more weeks of winter? Yeah, right: Turns out Phil the Groundhog is a lying snake

Senior Stunner superlative canceled due to “abnormally ugly senior class”

Throwing my computer in a river: How I prioritized my mental health

Does wearing a jacket in the winter make you gay? These four teenage boys say yes

Alumni: Stop visiting your old high school

It’s time to stop listening to music and go to therapy

Tuesday, March 28, 2023

Category: Opinion

Why the cafeteria should start serving only milk
Opinion

Why the cafeteria should start serving only milk

Vince OfficeDepot January 26, 2022

This year many students pointed out the obvious shortcomings of the cafeteria. You may be asking yourself, “what are these shortcomings?” Possibly failing a health and safety inspection? No. The … Read More

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Get off your high horse Europe
What each country's favorite thing is...
Opinion

Get off your high horse Europe

̴̑͜ ̴̠͛ ̵̣̅ ̴̧͒ ̷̛͈ ̴̝͊ January 25, 2022

It’s pretty common knowledge that Europe sucks. They have presidents that marry their teachers, chancellors who flirt with married American DILFS (Obama) and prime ministers that look like Gromit if … Read More

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Community question: Is anyone else getting weird emails from a lady named “Anne Hutchens”?
Opinion

Community question: Is anyone else getting weird emails from a lady named “Anne Hutchens”?

Chad Manley November 12, 2021

To preface, I’m currently a senior at Whitman who prides myself on my academic success, outstanding mental health and large social circle. Recently, however, my school email has been flooded … Read More

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Whitman Shorts can catch these Rutabaga hands
Opinion

Whitman Shorts can catch these Rutabaga hands

Vince OfficeDepot October 7, 2021

Dear Whitman Shorts staff, What the hell? Honestly, your last segment was an absolute travesty. Apart from the editing and music and everything else which was great. The Rutabaga segment … Read More

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Why I shouldn’t be arrested for punching a Gemini in the face
Opinion

Why I shouldn’t be arrested for punching a Gemini in the face

Vince OfficeDepot September 26, 2021

As we all know our astrological signs play a huge role in who we are as people. Short temper? Aries. Emotional? Sagittarius. Willingness to convince your followers to drink cyanide … Read More

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Change leap year day to 9/11
Opinion

Change leap year day to 9/11

Rave Dubin September 17, 2021

If I had to rank my least favorite days of the year, 9/11 would definitely be first. What a terrible name for a day of the year, it kinda reminds … Read More

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Open Letter to Mr. Nardi: please stop texting me.
Opinion

Open Letter to Mr. Nardi: please stop texting me.

Rave Dubin May 10, 2021

Dear Pyle Principal Christopher B Nardi, I understand that running a middle school is a stressful job. I’m sure that organizing online TAG is a pain. But my sympathy is … Read More

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Opinion

Is it racist that Apple doesn’t have a rutabaga emoji? Here’s why we think it is

Bigoted Bigfoot January 25, 2021

Apple has many emojis. There’s my personal favorite, the hedgehog. There’s a cheeseburger. There’s even a kite. Seriously. So, imagine my reaction when I found out that the world’s favorite … Read More

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Abolish Babies
Here we see a dumb stupid baby who is crying at his own birthday party. Stupid baby.
Opinion

Abolish Babies

Glizzy McGee December 18, 2020

Yes, they may be “cute” but babies are actually destroying America. According to The United States Bureau of Labor Statistics, children aged 0-2 are unemployed at a 99.97 percent rate, … Read More

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Looking for a last minute Halloween costume? The Rutabaga has you covered with some horrifying ones
Opinion

Looking for a last minute Halloween costume? The Rutabaga has you covered with some horrifying ones

admin October 31, 2020

A face mask Perfect for 2020, a mask is a simple costume. It’s scary, too; having your personal freedom to make choices that hurt other people taken away by the … Read More

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