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Flash News

Felicity Huffman adopted me before the SAT and I still failed

I disguised as AI so men would finally respect me

5 reasons why you shouldn’t claim to live in DC if you don’t live in DC

Aww, not you too! “Chester Cheetah” of Frito-Lay makes antisemitic comments

Six more weeks of winter? Yeah, right: Turns out Phil the Groundhog is a lying snake

Senior Stunner superlative canceled due to “abnormally ugly senior class”

Throwing my computer in a river: How I prioritized my mental health

Does wearing a jacket in the winter make you gay? These four teenage boys say yes

Alumni: Stop visiting your old high school

It’s time to stop listening to music and go to therapy

Friday, March 31, 2023

Category: Feature

Breaking News: Due to real life events, The Rutabaga has run out of satire ideas
Here's a picture of a rutabaga
Feature

Breaking News: Due to real life events, The Rutabaga has run out of satire ideas

admin January 7, 2021
Comment on Breaking News: Due to real life events, The Rutabaga has run out of satire ideas
Is Katie Ledecky a fish?
Feature

Is Katie Ledecky a fish?

Ethan Wagner November 12, 2020

Katie Ledecky is one of the greatest swimmers of all time. She has won five Olympic Gold medals. Her time in the 1500 meter swim of 15 minutes, 34.23 seconds … Read More

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Feature

Founder of MoCo Snow has evil plans to create snow days

Ethan Wagner November 2, 2020

The Rutabaga gained access to a classified document on October 30 containing MoCoSnow creator Alex Tsironis’ plan to make fake snow in an attempt to try and keep his app … Read More

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Sources: Pres. Trump to fire Giuliani, hire Borat as personal counsel
Feature

Sources: Pres. Trump to fire Giuliani, hire Borat as personal counsel

Bigoted Bigfoot October 23, 2020

After exposing the latest Rudy Giuliani scandal, Borat certainly made a name for himself. Clearly, he made a big splash, because President Donald Trump will replace Giuliani with Borat himself. … Read More

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Do Amish people still exist? The answer may surprise you
Feature

Do Amish people still exist? The answer may surprise you

Bigoted Bigfoot October 12, 2020

In recent months, Amish people have seemingly disappeared, leading many to speculate as to whether or not they actually exist or have existed. Surprisingly, as we’ve found through an extensive … Read More

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‘Absolutely horrifying’: The ten most hated squirrels of January-September 2020
Feature

‘Absolutely horrifying’: The ten most hated squirrels of January-September 2020

Bigoted Bigfoot October 9, 2020

There are some animals that just weren’t meant to exist. One of these animals, sent directly from Hell as a punishment for sinners, is the squirrel. The Rutabaga decided to … Read More

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Adolf Hitler faces backlash over old tweets
Feature

Adolf Hitler faces backlash over old tweets

Glizzy McGee September 21, 2020

Former World leader Adolf Hitler received some major criticism this weekend after old tweets from 1932 were resurfaced. The tweets in question have stirred up lots of controversy, including lines … Read More

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Racism at Whitman: Survey finds white students no longer feel welcome in the community
Feature

Racism at Whitman: Survey finds white students no longer feel welcome in the community

Glizzy McGee September 13, 2020

A recent survey conducted by Turning Point Whitman® has reported some shocking results.

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Feature

Top 10 ways to get out of zoom class

Glizzy McGee September 11, 2020

As Whitman takes on virtual learning, many of the school’s cool and rebellious students are struggling with how they are going to skip class. No worries, young agitators! Here are … Read More

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Feature

Whitman stairs exhausted after students climb them

admin June 26, 2020

The Whitman stairs recently complained about the fatigue they feel after students climb them. The exhaustion is particularly bad in the morning, they said, and made worse when students have … Read More

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