{"id":143,"date":"2020-10-09T22:31:00","date_gmt":"2020-10-09T22:31:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/therutabaga.net\/?p=143"},"modified":"2026-04-04T22:41:00","modified_gmt":"2026-04-04T22:41:00","slug":"absolutely-horrifying-the-ten-most-hated-squirrels-of-january-september-2020","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/therutabaga.net\/?p=143","title":{"rendered":"\u2018Absolutely horrifying\u2019: The ten most hated squirrels of January-September 2020"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

There are some animals that just weren\u2019t meant to exist. One of these animals, sent directly from Hell as a punishment for sinners, is the squirrel. The Rutabaga decided to publish the ten most hated squirrels through the first nine months of 2020.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Janice up to her old tricks.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Right off the bat, we have Janice, or as she\u2019s better known today, \u201cInmate 30004521.\u201d Indicted on three counts of tax evasion and four counts of mail fraud, Janice is a real bad one. She\u2019s currently serving ten years in a federal maximum security correctional facility. Her neighbors said she\u2019d go through their trash and take out all of the banana peels. Who knows what she does with them?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Michael doing nothing, as usual.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Next we have my personal favorite: Michael. There\u2019s not a whole lot wrong with Michael, but he\u2019s just one of those squirrels that just takes up space. Somewhat of a mystery character, Michael doesn\u2019t really talk all that much. Personally, I haven\u2019t taken the time to talk to him. For all I know, he could be completely nice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Clarence at work trying to convert young gay squirrels.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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This squirrel is only hated because of his flagrant homophobia, but it\u2019s not really a dealbreaker. Clarence, probably gay himself come to think of it, worked at a small marketing firm until he made it into the news for opening the largest conversion therapy organization by employment east of the Mississippi River. If you get to talk to him, though, he\u2019s just another squirrel trying to make some moolah any way he can. \u201cAt the end of the day, I curl up and eat my dairy-free pistachio-peppermint frozen yogurt and watch The Giant Spider Invasion like the rest of you,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Um, who?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

The fourth on our list doesn\u2019t have a name, but she sure has a reputation. Despite Janice and her crimes, this squirrel is, in my opinion, the worst of all of these. She actually likes country music and the Philadelphia Eagles. I know. Despicable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Crunchy grinding his stupid teeth.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Finally, we\u2019re halfway there. Hey, that reminds me of a song! What a segue, as our next most hated squirrel is Crunchy. Crunchy wears socks to sleep and eats cereal with a knife. He disgusts me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Gertrude stress-eating, probably about the divorce.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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The next squirrel, Gertrude, has been hitting \u201creply all\u201d on every email group she\u2019s in. She\u2019s the PTA president at her son\u2019s middle school, where she successfully wrote a rule banning cell phone use by students at any point during the day. She\u2019s probably going through a divorce. What a mess.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Clyde listening to Thunder by Imagine Dragons at full volume.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

You might be thinking, \u201cit can\u2019t get any worse,\u201d but oh man it gets worse. Clyde has a playlist called \u201cFire Bangers,\u201d containing only songs by Imagine Dragons. He posts a new Imagine Dragons song on his Instagram story every day. Clyde must know that no one actually takes the time to listen to them, right?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Humphrey.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Humphrey is by far the most universally hated squirrel. Ever since people found out that there were really living things named \u201cHumphrey,\u201d it was over for him. He didn\u2019t do anything wrong, per se, but his name is an atrocity. Republicans and Democrats agree on one thing: no one deserves the name \u201cHumphrey.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fabian being quirky.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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This one might be a bit controversial. Fabian is one of those craft beer-drinking, beanie-wearing, highfalutin foodies that wants to move to Asheville, NC and start a new life as a yoga teacher. He\u2019ll stop at nothing to bring up his wanderlust, that one film festival he went to in \u201909, and love of artisan bread. Most of us just want to slap him and remind him of how little we care. Fabian, in the famous words of Mahatma Gandhi, \u201cshut up. No one cares, you idiot. Now, back to whatever it is I do.\u201d Even Gandhi hates Fabian; that\u2019s how you know it\u2019s bad.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maurice being ugly.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Finally, we have Maurice. Maurice is just ugly. Every day, he reports getting hate mail, but it\u2019s his fault so he shouldn\u2019t be complaining. C\u2019mon Maurice! If you want to participate in the hate mail, please use Maurice\u2019s personal email: mauricewantsafriend@aol.com. Show no sympathy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Contact us with any more squirrels you hate. We\u2019ll put them in our next edition!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

There are some animals that just weren\u2019t meant to exist. One of these animals, sent directly from Hell as a punishment for sinners, is the squirrel. The Rutabaga decided to publish the ten most hated squirrels through the first nine months of 2020. Janice up to her old tricks. Right off the bat, we have […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":12,"featured_media":147,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-143","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-feature"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/therutabaga.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/143","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/therutabaga.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/therutabaga.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/therutabaga.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/12"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/therutabaga.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=143"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/therutabaga.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/143\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":155,"href":"https:\/\/therutabaga.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/143\/revisions\/155"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/therutabaga.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/147"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/therutabaga.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=143"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/therutabaga.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=143"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/therutabaga.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=143"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}