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Flash News

Felicity Huffman adopted me before the SAT and I still failed

I disguised as AI so men would finally respect me

5 reasons why you shouldn’t claim to live in DC if you don’t live in DC

Aww, not you too! “Chester Cheetah” of Frito-Lay makes antisemitic comments

Six more weeks of winter? Yeah, right: Turns out Phil the Groundhog is a lying snake

Senior Stunner superlative canceled due to “abnormally ugly senior class”

Throwing my computer in a river: How I prioritized my mental health

Does wearing a jacket in the winter make you gay? These four teenage boys say yes

Alumni: Stop visiting your old high school

It’s time to stop listening to music and go to therapy

Tuesday, March 28, 2023

Author: Vince OfficeDepot

Dr.Dodd found principaling other school
News

Dr.Dodd found principaling other school

Vince OfficeDepot February 3, 2022

The Rutabaga has recently obtained shocking evidence of Dr. Dodd principaling with a different High School. Suspicion arose regarding Dr. Dodds extraprincipal activity after students noticed that neither Doddy nor … Read More

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Why the cafeteria should start serving only milk
Opinion

Why the cafeteria should start serving only milk

Vince OfficeDepot January 26, 2022

This year many students pointed out the obvious shortcomings of the cafeteria. You may be asking yourself, “what are these shortcomings?” Possibly failing a health and safety inspection? No. The … Read More

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Voluptuous straight men fed up with constant objectification
News

Voluptuous straight men fed up with constant objectification

Vince OfficeDepot November 5, 2021

In our modern “woke” culture, there’s one group whose struggle seems to have been completely ignored — thick straight men. As a result, members of the community say that people … Read More

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Whitman Shorts can catch these Rutabaga hands
Opinion

Whitman Shorts can catch these Rutabaga hands

Vince OfficeDepot October 7, 2021

Dear Whitman Shorts staff, What the hell? Honestly, your last segment was an absolute travesty. Apart from the editing and music and everything else which was great. The Rutabaga segment … Read More

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Why I shouldn’t be arrested for punching a Gemini in the face
Opinion

Why I shouldn’t be arrested for punching a Gemini in the face

Vince OfficeDepot September 26, 2021

As we all know our astrological signs play a huge role in who we are as people. Short temper? Aries. Emotional? Sagittarius. Willingness to convince your followers to drink cyanide … Read More

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Save the Date: Senior Tar and Feathering in the Whitman Parking Lot
News

Save the Date: Senior Tar and Feathering in the Whitman Parking Lot

Vince OfficeDepot September 15, 2021

Save the date! April 8th is now public tar and feathering day in the Whitman parking lot for any senior who doesn’t get into an Ivy League school. Due to … Read More

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SGA Solves the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict
News

SGA Solves the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

Vince OfficeDepot May 12, 2021

The Whitman SGA has made waves internationally after solving the Israeli-Palestinian conflict last week. In typical SGA fashion, they have sparked monumental change on a global scale after proposing a … Read More

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