Voluptuous straight men fed up with constant objectification
In our modern “woke” culture, there’s one group whose struggle seems to have been completely ignored — thick straight men. As a result, members of the community say that people … Read More
Breaking: MCPS Board of Education requests Wootton to change name of school to Lootton because they ‘take too many Ls’
In the wake of Whitman wins again Wootton in both the girl’s varsity soccer regional championship and the handball county championship — just hours apart — the MCPS Board of … Read More
Hot girl summer has turned into hot when I pee fall :(
This summer was monumental for hot girls all across the country. Depression rates were at an all-time low and Plan B sales were at an all-time high. Sadly, as of … Read More
Breaking: ‘The Whitman football team is actually really good,’ say their moms
The Whitman varsity football team hasn’t won a single game this school year. Their total point deficit is 21 to 234. Despite the team’s 0–5 record, a highly persuasive group … Read More
Whitman Shorts can catch these Rutabaga hands
Dear Whitman Shorts staff, What the hell? Honestly, your last segment was an absolute travesty. Apart from the editing and music and everything else which was great. The Rutabaga segment … Read More
Delta Airlines petitions congress to change the name of Delta variant to ‘Southwest variant’
Over the weekend, a request from Delta Airlines was sent to both chambers of Congress to rename the Delta strain of COVID-19 to the “Southwest variant.” “Here at Delta, we … Read More
Open letter to all mansplainers: Thank you.
Dear Mansplainers, On behalf of all women everywhere, thank you. I don’t know what us feeble and utterly incompetent creatures would do without your profound explanations of every single topic … Read More
Why I shouldn’t be arrested for punching a Gemini in the face
As we all know our astrological signs play a huge role in who we are as people. Short temper? Aries. Emotional? Sagittarius. Willingness to convince your followers to drink cyanide … Read More
Change leap year day to 9/11
If I had to rank my least favorite days of the year, 9/11 would definitely be first. What a terrible name for a day of the year, it kinda reminds … Read More
Save the Date: Senior Tar and Feathering in the Whitman Parking Lot
Save the date! April 8th is now public tar and feathering day in the Whitman parking lot for any senior who doesn’t get into an Ivy League school. Due to … Read More